looking back

Well the first transfusion is done and over with. I go back in 6 weeks to see if it brought me up to par if not I will have another round! The doctors have said I will have to have one at least every 6 months for the rest of my life! Whew......sounds ok to me though. I have some before and after pics. literally taken the morning of the first transfusion............feeling my worst and actually wishing it could be postponed until I had more energy to go! and two days later as I jumped out of bed with lots of plans for the day and feeling like I had energy to spare! I still tired out midday but nothing like I had been. This is Day 3 and I am feeling like I can conquer the pile of laundry and getting the house back in order. The b12 shot helped for two days but after the field trip and the football jamboree. I literally could not pull myself out of bed and would have done anything for my hubby to be home with me. Amazing what a little oxygen to your body can do and how it makes you feel. A huge difference.

Now that I am feeling better, I have reflected on some things people have said and how they have responded to my backing off of the responsibilities I freely gave up. One person told me that although they did not want to pressure me the church needed me and I was in the midst of a spiritual attack and that I needed to be in church while in the middle of this attack. Ok well.....not really. My take on it is this......To get to church while completely exhausted I had to feed, clothe and corral 3 children not yet capable of doing so and then myself......and then I would be called upon to entertain my oldest as they no longer felt the need to teach her on Sunday..but that the littles would be looked after. In the past these same people sent Kendra to get me to change diapers during the service. To me it was not worth it as I would also have other responsibilities or be asked questions about my health or even listen to other people complain and I was just not ready to share or in the mood for that at that point. Only a handful of people knew what was going on the whole time..until I heard it was not cancer and then I opened up to more. But even when the docs thought it was.......and had prepared me for the possibility. Coming on the heels of Christina dying from Cancer a year ago really made me take it seriously though but I never freaked out or turned away from God. I know and believe he will never leave me nor forsake me. I also know and have testified that I know whenever it is my time, it is my time and I am ready. Yes, I would prefer to see my kids grow up and ensure that they follow the way of Christ but if that is not so THAT IS OKAY! As God has a plan and I am along for the ride. My way of dealing is to go off on my own and spend some quality time with my God..........it is a personal relationship and no matter what no relationship or fellowship I have with any other person can get me to Heaven. It is personal.....a direct communication one to one and not a party line. So I respectfully beg to differ with the one that said I needed to be in church at this time. In fact just the opposite was most beneficial for me. My relationship with Jesus strengthened and all the outside noise quieted down so that I could really sense the fullness of his strength. I am thankful that it never crossed my mind to say why me? or question his plan. So for those who think I have gone astray...please know that My hope is in him and there it will remain always.......
the quietness has been great for me and my girls. We have had many conversations about not being promised tomorrow and how we have to be ready at every moment. Kendra seems to be soaking it all in and understanding. the littles of course have only basic knowledge that Jesus loves them and that God made everything but it is a start to hopefully a life lived out before the Lord.