Epilepsy update for Zoe

I have not posted much recently but that was because of me.....not Zoe. I had my own SCARE of Cancer again with a partial mastectomy performed about 3 weeks ago now. Thankfully, it ended up being a huge mass 4in by 3.5 in mass of hematoma and necrosis. So really I am fine, still sore but will be just fine. But for those who come to see about our girl, I really need to update all on Miss Zoe. Just before we moved, she was admitted for video surveillance and all kinds of testing as she was having some activities at night that we questioned if they were minor seizures or not. We had recently adopted a dog from the shelter that had awakened us to some activities by her that we actually witnessed in time but there were other things like an occasional incontinence or slight bowel loss or one hand extended rigidly we were unsure of. Of course NOTHING happened while under surveillance so we at that time did not alter any of her medications. We went through a major military move and went to visit family in two different states along the way. Although it was great to see everyone, it is also hard when your four year old is not well. We had some MAJOR whining, tiredness and behavior issues to deal with along the way. At times, it was hard to deal with and kind of embarrasing as it (to me) is impossible to punish your child for this type of behavior. She was not being BAD.......well really just a pain in the butt! Now, I love my girl greatly and knew in my heart that after 3 1/2 years of prior behavior that this was brought on by the medications as the strong willed personality traits increased as her dosage was increased to control the seizures. As did the whining, etc. Almost like OCD. Once we got moved, settled and we began the preschool screenings, etc. I brought it up to the new doc about the issues and my thoughts. Thankfully, it had been about 6 months since any REAL seizure activity had been witnessed. Although they really want 12 months before they back off the medications. They agreed to start easing her off. Well we are just about to the one year mark now, she is off all medications and her behavior has reverted back to close to what it was prior. THANKFULLY. I now have many more gray hairs but that is okay. Occasionally she still is a whiny brat but I can live with that. I just put her down for a nap and the behavior then clears up. She to me is better off the medicine although it concerns me that she may need it at some point. I think of Jack at those times. God Bless his soul. I think of Jenni and her emptiness but know that God has a plan and do my best to leave it in His hands. Just wanted to share. Zoe in my opinion acts as if she has never had an issue. She still wears her medical alert anklet and we have the medicine at school with plans in place at all times. But for those concerned about behavior issues caused by meds, I feel it is very possible............

I Know Why The Angels Dance

I have had the honor and privilege of proofreading for Bryan Davis his new book I Know Why The Angels Dance. I want to tell you I love the book but it is not that type of book. Although it is a fictional story, it is not the type to give you warm fuzzy feelings. It is more a thought provoking, internal soul digestion that leaves you speechless and encouraged.
I was very emotional while reading the last few chapters as was my husband when he read it after I did. It is gut wrenching but so full of Biblical truths and encouragement. The premise is how two families deal with death. One believers the others aethist. For a Christian this book will push you out of your comfort zone but will also be comforting if you have ever lost someone. For others it may open a whole new thought process. I highly recommend the book to everyone. those presently suffering from losing someone and for just the average person. No one will remain untouched after reading it. I have to point out that it will take awhile to internally digest the information before you can share much about it if even then. One of those books that touches the soul that no one else could ever understand. Sort of like you can present information on salvation to another but unless they internalize it they could never know what you mean. This book walks that line.
The novel is written by Bryan Davis, a homeschooling parent and Christian writer who wrote the Dragons In The Midst series. This is unlike anything he has written before. The book is slated to be released in September. Bryan approached this book with love and compasssion for those who are hurting and lost. He has been used as an extension of God in the writing of this book. You will not walk away untouched. All proceeds from this book will be donated to charity.

Been Awhile

I has been quite awhile since I have blogged. Life has gotten in the way and took some priority. Zoe spent some time at the children's hospital to see what was really going on and if this episodes I saw were indeed seizures related to her Epilepsy or not. Nothing official was caught on the tape even over two days. The two episodes I marked on the video ended up being nothing. So glad about that. Although it has not been a year since her Grand Mal we weaned her off the medicine as the behavior of whining and temper tantrums was more than I could bear and my dear husband could not deal with it. He was ready to start swinging but I would not allow it as I knew this was not something she could control. Her failure to respond appropriately was hindered by the Keppra. I knew it in my heart as she had been a helper with a big heart prior to the onset of seizures and as we upped her doses to control them her personality changed along with it. She is almost back to her old self only when she is really tired now do we see some of the exhibitions she had daily while on the meds. This I can handle.
Louisiana is another world. It is beyond hot. Reaches over 100 daily and the humdity is unreal. It makes me feel like a warm Korean mink blanket is wrapped around me as I head out the door. We stay in the house a lot as red ants are worse here than in Georgia. I walked outside for 5 minutes yesterday to talk with the Direct TV guy and got bit 5 times. Somehow they had crawled up my body unnoticed and did not like me very well as they went on the attack.
I have started working an at home editing/writing type job. The extra money always helps and it is nice that I can start and stop at any point in my day as the kids need me.
Zoe and Kendra start school this week so the house will probably be very quiet without them daily. this will allow me some one on one time with my baby girl. I wonder how she will handle being away from Zoe. She really never has been. She already is asking when she can go to her school too. Do not grow up so fast baby girl you are only 2!
It has been a busy summer with spending several weeks in WV and a few days in Indiana. We brought Jamar, Kendra's cousin down with us for a month. Then she went with her Dad to meet a few siblings Imani and TJ that she had never met. She brought her big brother Blake down to spend the rest of the summer with her. That is my boy. He set her straight while he was here and she lost some of that disrepect she seemed to exhibit at times. He is such a good kid. I remember him at 2 and so little, now he is 17 and 6'3'' and plays football. My how they grow. He plans on going to LSU next year so he will have a second home here whenever he needs one.
I started working an editiorial writing job and love the extra money coming in.....it helps for all the little extras. Have to run now. Hopefully next time won't be so long.

B usy with Life

I have not blogged in quite awhile. for many reasons. Zoe had a bad bout of seizures one week in particular, we started packing as it looked as if we would never get orders and we were within 3 weeks of our DLOS date and I had NO Hopes of the Army moving us then. We testified in a session against our landlord as to illegal/unethical practices and still are concerned of rebuttal from those actions.............but we chose to as to put forth effort for no one to have to deal with that again. several other families were also at this session so we were not the only ones!!!!!!!!!
Our newly adopted puppy from the shelter seems to have a gift for diagnosing Zoe's seizures and has begun classes to a certification as a service animal. Facebook takes up a bit of my time. It is a bit more lighthearted and there are times I need that vs thinking deeply over what is happening in our lives. Zoe will be admitted for intensive monitoring this month. a 48 hour stay in bed........only up to go potty. Not sure at all how they expect to keep an active 4 yr old in bed!!!!!!!!!!!! I am expected to stay with her as I see seizures I have to tag her filming. but they will not provide meals so hubby will have to drive and deliver meals...........Medicines have been upped recently and mood swings seem to have calmed down some with this but a bad seizure happened that same night. ughhhhhhhhhh. Very tiring.
Now, orders have finally arrived and although only a few weeks out I can stop packing as the Army was able to get us on the schedule. YIPPEE. Now we have to see when we get housing! Hopefully it will be quick as the stable schedule for Zoe seems to help big time.
Kendra's Daddy and her family (well some, most but not all) came to visit for about a week. Michael chose to sign the adoption papers to allow John to adopt Kendra. PHEW. Did not ever expect that to happen but he did so willingly and although it was far from easy for him it will benefit Ken in the long run. so things are good but very busy.....................

Armor

Words hurt...............
The Bible tells us we need to watch our tongue.
All too recently I found out that a friend of mine from long ago was asked to talk to the Grand Jury about a situation he found himself in. Suspicion kinda remains as the situation is not cleared up but the public believes it was a framing. Although he can go on with his life the cloud hovers for now. Lies. truth, accusations. Leaves things cloudy and muddled. It seems the Christian is not totally safe but is often the target of the Devil as we try to live above the norm. and in turn our words and actions are often scrutinized and twisted if not up to Par of others. Yes we all have moments where we fail and often fall short of being examples but this road is a journey and the goal is what we need to strive for. Jealousy can cause others to attack also. I was the victim of that many years ago and just now have had some healing of that. A friendship with this same family was attacked by another and doubt was shed on me. No one knew what to believe but I knew the accusation was false and knew that I was straight with God so could move on. The pain was there still and a restored friendship has made a huge difference. I shed tears over the relief of that just today. The armor of God needs to be in place more now than ever, I feel. Words do hurt, accusations are painful. Friendships are important and should be held on to if at all possible.

follow up......although this remains unsolved....................my friends do not appear to be in the spotlight and have been cleared totally. Their life has gone on and although this remains a dark spot and may always until solved it seems to be able to put in the back of their mind for awhile.

it's time

time is a funny thing. We have spent five years here. We moved here newly pregnant with Zoe and now she is 4!. Our time here is up and we will be on to a new military assignment faster than I can get myself geared for it totally. Oh, now mind you I want to go but sometimes goodbyes are rough.

It is easy when events, calendars, and clocks dictate and guide our actions for our outer life and our daily pursuits; but what about our inner world. What about our internal thoughts which only we know. The thoughts which live in the depth of our being. The inner feelings sometimes are hard to get a hold of.

Our thoughts lead the way in our lives, too. Our thoughts are probably stronger than any time schedule we could have set for ourselves, and most of the time we are completely unaware of the havoc he inner thoughts can cause in the rest of our life.

As one lives life, it becomes very abundantly clear that there are beginnings and endings...over and over and over again. Beginnings can be a little scary to some as they navigate the unchartered territory; and to others, beginnings can be a very exciting time as infinite possibilities appear to them.

As for endings, well, what can I say? Endings means change, and once again, some welcome change and some resist change. One may think they are in control of their lives and try to maintain this power, fruitlessly. Some let the current gently guide them and accept what comes along. Many times death is one of those times in life that our inner thoughts may come forth. When death is upon us, we can see clearly how we really feel about life being organic and ever changing. Are we the ones who accepts and moves forward or are we the ones who get stuck and can't let go?

My constant theme for the last ten years is I roll with the punches. I know God is in control and I do my best to follow him. Having a Christian husband who also desires a walk with the Lord is beneficial and makes it easier. I can attest a marriage where we have the same path and are equally yoked makes it easier to handle the stresses life throws at you. For those of you who are not married this is very important for your happiness. For those of you who are, I only hope you benefit from this yourselves.

The last ten years have brought many changes to my life.................a husband, 2 more kids, 2 dogs, living with John's parents, purchasing a home in WV, moving to GA, three deployments, 5 surgeries, totaling a vehicle, receiving a diagnosis of epilepsy for one child, learning I will have to have iron transfusions for the rest of my life, amongst several other daily life type things..........
A lot of stuff to happen in any marriage, but you know what? God was faithful as we were to him and each other. Our marriage ended up being stronger for it all. Although goodbyes are hard, I look forward to the opportunities ahead and look forward to what God has planned for us
it's time...........time to look ahead and press to the mark that has been set before us for life here on Earth and for our neverending futures.

A LOVE NOTE FROM A FRIEND TODAY

Mothers Are Given Special Traits

Most women become mother by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit. This year, nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen? Somehow, I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger. "Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Cecelia. Rudledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint, ... give her Gerard. He's used to profanity." Finally, He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child." The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy." Exactly, "smiles God. "Could you give a handicapped child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel." "But has she patience?" asks the angel. "I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has his own world. She has to make it live in her world and that's not going to be easy." "But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." God smiles, "No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect." The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?" God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a 'spoken word.' She will never consider a 'step' ordinary. When her child says "Momma" for the first time, she will be present at a miracle and know it! When she describes a tree or a sunset to her blind child, she will see it as few people ever see my creations." "I will permit her to see clearly the things I see . . . ignorance, cruelty, prejudice . . . and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side." "And what about her patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in midair. God smiles, "A mirror will suffice." By Emma Bormbeck

Been awhile but things are happening!!!!!

So I have been absent from my blog...........a lot has been happening.
Here are some highlights.
1. No seizures for Zoe.
2. Almost daily tantrums that can last from 10 minutes to an hour. Increasing in strength and duration. We do not give in and eventually she can get over it and back to her sweet loving self.
3. We went to Disney. Visited the World, the Animal Kingdon and Epcot.
4. Zoe and Danielle got to meet Cinder Ro (Cinderella for the rest of us) and have breakfast with the Princesses
5. Zoe turned 4.
6. I was released to finally exercise but have been put back on restriction as of today. Seems I had two sutures that did not disolve on their own which is why I STILL have two open areas. They are now gone. Thank you Doc. so until scabs are off and pain is gone No more running.
7. I was running a 7 minute mile as of yesterday.
8. Moving day is May 9th...............closets are being cleaned out as we speak as are the bookshelfs.
9. Kendra can now officially babysit..........she has her permit in hand from the Red Cross.
10. Danielle is starting to be interested in potty training.
11. I still think the kid is going to be a table dancer or naked show girl of some type. She likes to get up on something to elevate her while naked and belt out a song. We no longer laugh when she does it (at least not in front of her).
12. We have a new fur baby.........we saved her from death row. Her name is Molly and she is very very timid.
13. I received two awards from the FRG unit. But unlike with John's former unit, I was not in the loop and did not feel I did much to help out to deserve them. I did not go to the ceremony so they made my husband receive them for me. With 4/64, I did much more. I fielded some calls with 6/8 but nothing like the other unit.
14. spent 4 days searching for my missing keys...................to find them in the girl's closet. Can anyone say DANIELLE!!!!!!!!!!

will add pics later since I am back on restriction again. I was enjoying getting up and exercising while the girls were still asleep maybe I will sleep in tomorrow. I will miss my Wii fit.

Unbelievable

My husband had a layout today and was told to bring certain items in. These items were turned back in as they have been found to be defective. WHAT! One of the items was the protective vest he wore in Iraq..........and you tell me for 15 months in a warzone he was issued something defective to wear to protect him? Doesnt the Us Govt spend tons of money on items and shouldn't they have a top notch quality control system that should have caught this months ago before being issued to a soldier on the front lines?!?!?! I am stunned beyond too many words at this news and even more so that they did not issue him anything to replace it........ but since he is home to me that seems okay at this moment. However, we still have soldiers over there and what pray tell are they wearing? Defective vests??????

Whew.........

my middle child Zoe turned 4 yesterday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY baby girl. We had an impromptu birthday on Sunday afternoon. I finally was feeling better after taken off all the meds and almost every thing is finally healed ........I still have two open areas which are stubborn but they are making progress now too. A change of compression garments has now helped that. So back to the subject.............we invited just the neighbors and had cake, pink lemonade (her new favorite) locarb drink.......and played games outside as it was 75 degree weather. Beautiful and the mess was minimal. They played Red Rover, soccer, freeze tag, hide and seek and with bubbles. The kids had a blast and here are some of the pics. We call her our Princess Sunshine so it was only appropriate that her cake represented the Princess she is.
I was EXHAUSTED after but to see the smiles on her face was well worth it. She did have an episode of "OCD" during the middle of it so we deviated for a few minutes to allow her to get past it and not TOTALLY melt down. Hoping on March 3rd, the doc will switch meds to help with this although in a chat group I am with this appears to be the norm. GOD HELP ME. A PMSing pre-teen, a stubborn ill 4 year old and a stubborn potty training 2 year old and a hubby who has a thin patience level with all this (at times) depends on the stress level at home and how much sleep he was able to get.....which only leads to more chaos. I think I could loss my mind at times......this might not be so bad if I were totally healthy so I am praying for that. I did get my B12 shot again today and on Tuesday I will go in for another Transfusion. I know that will help SO much..........hanging in there until then. Major prayers are asked for as I have not been sleeping well they put me back on a sleeping pill but hope that it is a symptom of the low iron and they can wean me off of it after the transfusion . Even with it though I have only averaged 4 hours a night at best. Love to all.

Progress

When I returned on Thursday, the Doc was not there as his mother-in-law had just passed away in hospice. So please remember him and his family in your prayers. The nurses were able to remove another 90 cc's of fluid and made the appt for Tuesday again. My lower scar seems completely healed and I can move freely now and it is much easier to get in and out of bed. A little rug burn feel every now and then but that is from the scar tissue stretching they said.
Now the upper half seems to be slowly making progress. I will be glad when the fluid disappates totally but it seems better but maybe that is just the pain killers talking!?!?!?
I did get up and make some new to us food for Zoe...........her doc mentioned putting her on the Ketogenic diet. Well that eventually will entail a hospital stay for her to go totally Ketogenic but we can incorporate some more low carb meals into our diet. Maybe that will help more. We also are going to start with a food diary to see if maybe a possible food could be her trigger since meds have had to be upped twice within a month. I would prefer if possible to try a more healthier attempt to control it then to increase meds constantly. I am willing to try anything than to ever see another seizure. so we made french toast pancakes. They were good.....really good. but instead of bread you crush up .....ready for this? pork rinds.....yep that is right pork rinds...they have no carbs. and everyone loved them. I will provide recipe if anyone is interested. We also made low carb carrot cake...........and found out Zoe does not like cream cheese. She likes the cake but not the frosting. It will be trial and error to find out the likes and no likes with this new diet.
Zoe's birthday is coming up and we have special plans for her. Doc has already approved it as it is two weeks away and he said if I take it easy until then. He has no problem with a long weekend at Disney. but shhhhhh. Do not tell. She has no idea she will be having breakfast with the Princesses in a Castle. Nor see Cinderella her favorite in person. We are taking advantage of Disney's gift to the military of one free week long ticket and $99 for all additional week long tickets. Plus we already have two 3 day tickets left over from years ago. The hotel we are staying at has deep military discounts with free breakfast, free parking and shuttles to all attractions. We did this for Kendra's 4th or 5th birthday too. Next year we will be too far to travel this far for it so this year it seems more reasonable to do it. and as always no looking back to say we should have......

here we go again............

One of these days and hopefully soon, this will be back to my normal upbeat thought provoking blogs. But for now, it is simply our health updates and such. I returned again to the surgeon today and they removed another 150cc's of blood from my hematoma. I now have orders to come back on Thursday to remove more if need be. They put me back on muscle relaxants and pain killers as the discomfort wakes me up at night and the inability to stand up straight should have eased by now. They think it is from the pressure of the hematoma and will now stay on top of it so I do not fill up will fluid that causes the extreme pressure. I even busted two stitches from the pressure. but was again the relief from the aspiration was wonderful. and hopefully I can sleep all night tonight.
The doc said when I am released to do things again, I should start seeing significant changes in my swelling and size. He said until I can get out of the bed and move around I will not see much progress in the actual decrease of swelling. But until the hematoma is gone, I am still restricted.....not even allowed to pick up Danielle yet. This is getting old. He said it could take 6 to 12 months until I lose all the swelling. UGH that is a long time.
Zoe's med has been increased by .5ml to 2ml twice a day. So far no seizures in the last two days so hopefully she will remain stable on this. Attitude is still an issue but she likes the taste of the medicine so taking it is not a problem we have to deal with. At least that is something.
She turns 4 in two weeks and wants the Princesses for her birthday. I think we plan to indulge if I can find a decent priced hotel with breakfast as Disney has great deals including free tickets for the military these days We do not want to look back and say we should have. I know Sudep is rare but odd that I know someone who has lost a child to it only to have my seemingly healthy child diagnosed with it just a little over a year later. I think that will always sit as a what if on my shoulder and influence my decisions with her. and to think we actually met when Jack was born and she needed a breadmaker as he had food allergies and she had to change their diet some so she could nurse. Funny how God brings people into your life that you need and how when you are open to the little things and nudges from him, your world expands. I did not wish to give up our breadmaker but we really only used it occasionally and I felt she needed it more. My heart just burst with the fact that she was doing this for her child. I loved that about her before I even knew her. and now that I know her better, that is only the tip of the iceberg Jenny is one of the most special people one would ever have the priviledge to know.
so anyone want to join us on this special trip for Zoe? It is an open invitation..........

Results

We received the call about Zoe's MRI. It was normal. So what does that mean exactly was the question that blurted out of my mouth. The response was, it means there is not a tumor or abnormality of the structure of the brain or surrounding bones that could be causing it and it confirms she has Epilepsy. Deep breathe........Okay. So what is next? We will look into upping her dosage and will see you next month for your appointment.

so folks, does not look like we are going to slip out of this any easy way. PLEASE keep us in your prayers. and I am not saying that a brain tumor would have been easier not by any means.....now we appear to be in it for the long haul. The mood swings may get the best of us in the meantime. Thankfully John is here and anticipated to be home with us for the next several years and if we can continue to balance each other with dealing with these times it makes it easier. She tends to pick one person to blow up at and the other can work her out of the mood with time and effort but it is exhausting. For instance last night she decided she did not like Turkey Casserole or anything in it. Not cheese, peas, milk, turkey or noodles. John was trying to encourage her to eat and she kept wanting to put the white things (her noodles) on his plate. Which he did not like and she was fever pitched that they were not going to remain on her plate to taint her food. He got up to get her some milk as it got knocked over by her fork and her mood switched. Eventually I showed her samples of everything that went in there and had her test it to see if she liked it. Wish she did. She ended up eating about half of what she was served but this was after everyone else had left the table and it was just she and I. But this can happen with taking off pajamas, to brushing teeth, to going in the car. and you can see the change of facial expression happen too. I have never seen anything like it. Sometimes it is John she blows up at but mostly it is me when I ask her to pick up the toys she was playing with or go try to potty, etc.. All of this started after her Grand Mal on Veteran's Day. It has been a long couple of months.

Give Them All to Jesus

The attached is a link to a song I grew up singing along with Evie Tornquist Karlsson. She recently sent me a new CD that held many of my favorite OLD songs from her on it along with a few new ones she has written along with her husband Pelle. The last week or so I have needed to hang on to the words of this one in particular as my heart breaks at times for my Zoe. I do not know what the future holds for her but she is HIS and HE has a plan. Epilepsy can hold her back from a few things but the things that matter most should not be affected by this disorder. She likes to pray but when I tell her that Jesus loves her and that God made her special and loves her very much. she says I know but I do not love him. Not sure why she does as being 3 she loves our Bible time and she likes to pray so not sure what that is all about. But it concerns me. I want nothing more for my kiddos then for their heart to be centered on the things of Christ.

home again, home again

wow, let's see. The past two weeks are a blur. Mostly drug induced due to the surgery but also cause it was a busy busy time. Zoe had her full MRI....no results yet and I am not waiting patiently but nothing I can do about it. Seizures are happening mostly on the right side now....they have slowed down but still happen occasionally so medicine has been increased which increases her personality. OH JOY!!! We spent two nights in a hotel up in Savannah which was really really nice and it helped keep our sanity and saved us from exhaustion as we had been told Zoe needed to be sleep deprived on night one for her test. We went to Chuck E Cheese until 10 then swimming until midnight. Well I observed as I still have open wounds but I did sit up with them. This was the same night they removed 360 cc of hematoma from my right breast and I was feeling really good. Zoe did awesome at her MRI, she did not even flinch when they gave her the iv. She did not like being put to sleep and fought it though. The same look she gets when seizing crossed her face and it disturbed me but she quickly relaxed and all was well. We returned home on Thursday took Ken to her breathing test to see if Asthma is still an issue and it appears that at least while in the South it is not or she has totally outgrown it. YEAH!!!!!!!! Some good news there. We returned to NC to retreive our vehicle and had a good weekend. I did too much walking on Saturday as I accompanied Jenn to register for her baby shower. I did experience a Five Guys burger and am now hooked. Wish we had one here locally though. It was YUMMY! On Sunday we drove to Tim and Chris's in Charlotte..........only a two hour drive and we planned on having lunch with them and to leave after that to head home. Tim convinced John to stay overnight so he could watch the Steelers play. So we were able to really catch up in person. Leah and Kendra took off to do girl things. They have been friends since they were 3. and Janay took my littles under her wing. I remember when she was Danielle's age running around the yard naked giggling. She thinks it is cool that Danielle has her name as her middle name. I spelled it differently as the spelling made a bit of a difference in the meaning and I wanted it to mean gift of God solely. but in essence it is the same name. So Monday we made the trek the rest of the way home and I still am recovering. I went back to the surgeon today and next week he will remove even more hematoma. I knew I have felt discomfort this week and that all did not seem out of there. Evidently he expects to remove as much as last time next week if I am a good girl, take it easy, massage and keep a heating pad on it. I also was told to keep my feet up more. The rug burn sensation around my tuck line at my hips is scar tissue stretching and from nerves waking up. The swelling is starting to go down and hopefully will disappear totally tomorrow. Okay I know that is not realistic but a girl can hope. The size 6/8 pants are actually not as tight as they were. I doubt that will be the size but again I can only hope. John said honey, do you think since you have been wearing them for a week they might have stretched some? After receiving a dirty look he kept quiet. They are biking pants and do stretch but even after coming out of the dryer they honestly went on easier. I did not have to pull up as hard to make sure the torso went into them. It felt kinda cool. Give me my moment people.............I have not since a size 6/8 on this body in many a year. Probably the last time was when a I was 8 and it had a kids brand name on it. or it had a 1 before it. So now we are home again and waiting for the next wave of activity to hit...............John returns to work tomorrow so hopefully a schedule will soon fall back into place.

MRI, breathing test

not sure what happened to this long post.......................but I see it came in blank. I will mention it in todays blog.

360 cc's. Wow, what a relief!!!!!!!

Well, today I saw the surgeon and to my surprise he said it had liquified enough to drain some. I was totally convinced it was harder than ever and he was going to be put me off again

but much to my surprise he said nope we can drain some and look again at it next week to see how you are doing. Well after 4 vials full of hematoma I asked how much more is in there? He raised his eyebrow and said more than you would think. Two more vials came out and he said that does it for now 360 cc's total. Which meant not much to me until I converted it. The formula from oz to cc is as follows;
1 US fluid ounce = 29.5735296 ccso
8 US fluid ounces = 236.588237 cc

so it is about a cup and a half of liquid. That meant more to me and would explain the pressure and the I don't feel well symptoms that resembled the flu. No wonder I could not get comfortable enough to sleep. But the relief was immediate and I already feel tons better. I ache tonight but I have done too much today. We are on a marathon to keep Zoe awake and sleep deprived for her full MRI tomorrow. After my doc appt, we did a quick run to Sams, then to TJ MAXX (as I am now allowed to move from my binder to tight biker shorts and top) then to Chuck E Cheese as we have accumulated tokens and thought since they closed at 10 that would be a good late night activity for everyone. Then on to the hotel and pool which stayed open to midnight. and now we are doing all to keep her up till 2 as she may only sleep a total of 4 hours before the test. Breakfast opens at 530 so off early to it we will be, then swimming again. Her appt starts at noon so it will be a long night and morning.

But back to the biker shorts and top. I was told to get them tight like I poured myself into them but can still breathe. I have been trying on and weeding out clothes this week and appear to be comfortably in a 12/14. However, the biker pants are a 6/8, a medium and they look tight but not digustingly so at least that is what hubby and Kendra said. I asked Ken, would you be embarrased to be seen out in public with me and she said no. So it can't be too bad. I think the last time I saw a 6 it had an x after it and I must have been 8. I doubt that this will be my true size in real clothes but who knows.............maybe one day......... Please say some prayers for Zoe.

Ultimate Romance

Divine Romance is a product of divine love through its service. True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is the concern for one's well being of ones companion. It is an intentional action to cultivate, express and repair love within a relationship. My husband despite my recovering torn up body has made me feel very special this past week. Not only has he held me while I cried, but has cleaned wounds in not so pretty places, taken pics at my request to document my healing so I can visualize that I am actually healing, has catered to my cravings at odd hours, has reminded me daily that he enjoys my company by just hanging out near me, by tracking my meds and fluid levels and taking care of the kiddos. But tonight he went above and beyond, Kendra wanted to sleep with me tonight. She wanted to be on duty if I needed anything during the night. He also wanted to be there so they got into a she was my Mommy first, but she is my wife. Type banter, not a bicker really as neither got nasty about it but I felt in the middle as I knew it was going to be up to me to decide. I simply made the comment I really feel in the middle here, I wish we had a King sized bed honey." To which he replied "don't it is okay, I will sleep on the couch and I will have my phone with me, call me if you need me." How romantic is that? He knew I felt bad and gave of himself knowing it was not going to go his way and he was not going to sleep with his wife. Honey, you are awesome. Thank you for that. I love you. That was so much better than a box of chocolates and you know how much I love that!

I'm done

I almost forgot to post the cutest thing I have heard in a long time. Danielle's crib is near the door to her bedroom and she can reach out and open it. This morning when she woke up, she reached out and opened the door, pushing it hard so it bounced against the opposite wall and from the sounds of it came back at her so she did it again. Then she calls out, "Mommy, I am done. Mommy, I'm done." She repeated it about three or four times until I roused John and sent him to get her as I still am not allowed to lift her. I thought it was just the cutest thing........

and an update on Zoe is in order too.
She has had two seizures both while asleep but not bad ones since she started the meds. Seem to be helping some at least a bit. One of the side effects of the meds is to increase her personality. We have seen some of that where she keeps at something. Today she wanted ice cream. We told her after she picked up the books she took off the shelf. Well she did not help her sisters pick them up so no ice cream. Two hours later she is still talking about ice cream. and for two solid hours that was all we heard about. Do we give in to shut her up as both John and I are going crazy and losing it at this point or teach her she gets her way? Gotta tell you I gave in and John went to buy milk to get away from her constant whining about it. It was way beyond the normal as I could not get her to do anything else she liked. She focused on that and I could not get her focus off it for anything. Even going to the store with Daddy was of no interest. We go for a full MRI this week on Wednesday so we will know more as to what is affected after that. I guess that is it for now.

Kendra has been awesome and is growing into a beautiful young lady. We bought ProActive for her as she had bumps but not pimples and in three days her face is completely smooth. She has lost some weight in the last few weeks and looks awesome. She has started being very creative the last few days and I like that she can entertain herself.

Genealogy, bruising and sounds of sloshing

To keep me occupied my husband pulled out the genealogy that we started several years ago that his brother saved to floppy discs..............which are now just junk since none of the computers in our house use a floppy. I, at one time had 5000 family members researched and connected to the tree but then hubby went to Korea and I had my gastric bypass, then Miss Zoe joined our family and it never got picked up again. We had purchased copies of birth, death and marriage records from my hubby's area of the country and so had a good place to restart..............John knew if he got me back into it my mind would get busy and I would keep my butt still and in bed like I am supposed to be. I so hate not getting up to do things..........or being able to pick up a toy or something that has been dropped on the ground. For instance, on two different occasions of my getting up and moving around I have seen a strawberry hull on the floor in the kitchen but can I get it NO can I ask someone to pick it up yes, but I feel like I am constantly asking them to do more pressing things like change the baby, get me a drink, help me to the bathroom, put the kids down for a nap, give meds to the kiddos, etc. The strawberry hulls will still be there and are not hurting anyone just driving me nuts knowing I usually take care of those little things everyone else seems not to notice.
I have seen every color of the rainbow on my body from black, red, purple, gold, green and blue. It has been a very colorful week. Itching like crazy which I can only take as a good thing and when it gets too bad I give in take a benedryl and sleep for a bit. The sounds of sloshing sounds awful on the left side when I move around but is exactly what the doc wants to hear...........it is the liquid inside that he hopes to drain on Tuesday. I hope the right side sounds more sloshy soon. Only 48 hours to my appt.
John is happy as he just gave me an update and the Steelers are winning.

blood clot, itching and lots of sleep

Okay, folks here is a quick update. I have a hematoma the size of an orange possibly now a grapefruit. The doc was hoping to drain it yesterday but it was still solid and had not liquified enough to drain yet. So I go next week to hopefully get some relief from the pressure it is bringing to me. Other than that I have some major itching from healing which is a wonderful thing. The doc gave me some basic bendryl for that as at times it gets so bad I could scratch open my stitches and not even care just to have some relief. It seems to have done the job but has made me rest a lot more. He fussed at me for not taking the muscle relaxants and pain pills until I feel the pain........he said to take them every 4-6 hours to ward off the pain. Personally I do not like to take things until it is needed. Being a mom of three, I do not want to chance any addiction to anything so only as needed is my goal. I think once the pressure is removed from the blood clot I will not feel any pain just some minor discomfort which is no big deal. I think John has a new respect for me staying home with the kids. They are driving him nuts as he can not keep up with them and the laundry, dishes, diapers, feeding and medicine schedules, etc. He says he is anxious for me to get better so he can go back to work and relax. Overall I think he is dealing pretty well ........he just has a new appreciation of what my days entail and that is a bonus!!!!!!!!!
ok enough for now.......I am sleepy again. Love you all. Jerri

Cocktails, tears and full heart

Every 8 hours, things line up that I take 4 meds together, and the concotion starts me to tears within minutes. I do not feel sad just very loving to my crew and grateful for such a great hubby and kiddos. Now I may feel differently if he were to be deployed or if things were not good in our marriage or if anything were not right within our family but I am blessed that all is well. So I would not say this is depression by any means just emotionalism. I have taken this opportunity to have him hold me and take the girls into my arms and pray with them while in this state. I do not look forward to that 30 minute tear session but know hubby is here to hold me and let me cry it out in his arms. One of the 4 meds I quit taking this morning and another will be completed by morning and so hopefully my cocktail of the remaining two will not cause this reaction. I see the doc on Tuesday so all changes can be made then. Heating pad is now my friend for my right side as it has more swelling than the left. But overall I feel I am doing well. Still keep us in your prayers.
so a bit of a followup.............we ended up at the doctor's a day early as that little bit of swelling turned into a blood clot the size of a..........no not marble, not golfball butthe size of a orange this morning! and tender to the touch. Ended up he removed so much from that side that the blood had pooled and he debated to put or not put an extra drain in but thought well in less than 1% will we have problems. Well guess what I fell into that percentage pool so on Thursday after warm compresses continuely to help liquefy my orange he plans to drain it. I think the pain would be very very minimal otherwise. I feel only slight discomfort in the other areas...........
on the plus side today...............I bought some new undergarments and am pleased that I can when all healing happens wear pretty, frilly colorful items no more grandma bras and panties for me. but in the meantime sports bras with no seams are a comfort item.............and come in many pretty colors too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not just black, beige and white......but turqouise, hot pink, and red!

Home and moving around

okay ya'll ..........I am home and moving slowly. I do not feel too bad but sore as expected. They removed twelve pounds total from the front of me and all parts are back to where they belong. I am rather swollen and have no clue as to what size I am now but there are no rolls of anything and I feel lighter already. I am anxious for the jp drains to be removed as they are never any fun. Can not wait to post some after shots but since I am limited in my wardrobe these days I will spare you..... Looks like a shopping spree in February will be happening. YIPPEE!!!!!!

addendum: at 2am while unable to reach my pain killers and suffering in silence as hubby was asleep on the couch, I discovered the doctor totally removed my belly button. He was supposed to move it but as confirmed at 7am when I called the house phone to wake up hubby as I could not take the pain or the suspense of do I or don't I? did I know for sure. I no longer have a belly button and man does it look weird!