Been awhile

writing used to be so cathartic and not quite sure why I stopped. For those of you who know me, it once again is time for transfusions, b12 and my 6 month mammogram showed scar tissue had formed in lumps that feel like pebbles. Why like that, not sure I will ever understand. and quite honestly get angry about it. As the fear of the what ifs always come right back to surface....Still leaking blood so referrals to surgeons are pending in the fine world of Tricare. Thankful that John's insurance covers this and that he is willing to put up with me for it to.
the kids are good.....Zoe has not had any issues since January and that was minor and not even witnessed by me. The school called and had me come. MRI and CAT scans showed clear still so hoping she is outgrowing it?!?!?!? Decided to get back into quilting.........to keep busy. Too hot down here to go outside much. Seriously..the humidity here is outrageous.
yesterday was the anniversary of my Mom's death. way back in 85! less than a week before I turned 17. So much life has happened since then and there are times I miss her so much and then times I feel like it was another life. It was in a way. Tears still spring to my eyes to think I am older now than what she was when she died. only 41 but at that time I thought 41 was OLD. ummm I will be 43 next Monday and I do not feel old. although the wrinkles and white hairs have made an appearance. Yesterday was also my Shan's bday. friends since ummm maybe 81 or 82? Do not really know. I think it was 6th grade..... but man to think back over our lives. Wow. She is now a Grandma and those kids are the same ages as my littles.
Has someone ever just disappeared out of your life. Poof gone? leaves such an empty feeling....especially if it is someone you love. You reach out to pull back nothing.......I guess God has reasons although he and I are evidently not on the same page at the moment. Kind of like at church where you know the song, did not hear the number called out......and can't place the title of the song so you flip pages in the songbook. Kind of where I am at the moment. A bit lost, in the congregation, but waiting for someone to hand me a songbook with the correct page open.
I started couponing. watched extreme couponing....and decided that needed to be done. Between economy and then fear of future........including will military always receive paychecks, just a few weeks back we almost did not. well... Then of course, dhimmitude was put in the health care laws........and that alone is enough to strike fear in me for our country. Not that I want to stockpile or am obsessed but I do have kids to be concerned for. I was not part of the fear of the year 2000 or any such thing....but so far in two shopping trips, I have saved enough to fill up the van's gastanks twice. Every little bit helps. Then I have 6 boxes of free toothpaste...... well maybe that will save at the dentist in the long run also.

Epilepsy update for Zoe

I have not posted much recently but that was because of me.....not Zoe. I had my own SCARE of Cancer again with a partial mastectomy performed about 3 weeks ago now. Thankfully, it ended up being a huge mass 4in by 3.5 in mass of hematoma and necrosis. So really I am fine, still sore but will be just fine. But for those who come to see about our girl, I really need to update all on Miss Zoe. Just before we moved, she was admitted for video surveillance and all kinds of testing as she was having some activities at night that we questioned if they were minor seizures or not. We had recently adopted a dog from the shelter that had awakened us to some activities by her that we actually witnessed in time but there were other things like an occasional incontinence or slight bowel loss or one hand extended rigidly we were unsure of. Of course NOTHING happened while under surveillance so we at that time did not alter any of her medications. We went through a major military move and went to visit family in two different states along the way. Although it was great to see everyone, it is also hard when your four year old is not well. We had some MAJOR whining, tiredness and behavior issues to deal with along the way. At times, it was hard to deal with and kind of embarrasing as it (to me) is impossible to punish your child for this type of behavior. She was not being BAD.......well really just a pain in the butt! Now, I love my girl greatly and knew in my heart that after 3 1/2 years of prior behavior that this was brought on by the medications as the strong willed personality traits increased as her dosage was increased to control the seizures. As did the whining, etc. Almost like OCD. Once we got moved, settled and we began the preschool screenings, etc. I brought it up to the new doc about the issues and my thoughts. Thankfully, it had been about 6 months since any REAL seizure activity had been witnessed. Although they really want 12 months before they back off the medications. They agreed to start easing her off. Well we are just about to the one year mark now, she is off all medications and her behavior has reverted back to close to what it was prior. THANKFULLY. I now have many more gray hairs but that is okay. Occasionally she still is a whiny brat but I can live with that. I just put her down for a nap and the behavior then clears up. She to me is better off the medicine although it concerns me that she may need it at some point. I think of Jack at those times. God Bless his soul. I think of Jenni and her emptiness but know that God has a plan and do my best to leave it in His hands. Just wanted to share. Zoe in my opinion acts as if she has never had an issue. She still wears her medical alert anklet and we have the medicine at school with plans in place at all times. But for those concerned about behavior issues caused by meds, I feel it is very possible............

I Know Why The Angels Dance

I have had the honor and privilege of proofreading for Bryan Davis his new book I Know Why The Angels Dance. I want to tell you I love the book but it is not that type of book. Although it is a fictional story, it is not the type to give you warm fuzzy feelings. It is more a thought provoking, internal soul digestion that leaves you speechless and encouraged.
I was very emotional while reading the last few chapters as was my husband when he read it after I did. It is gut wrenching but so full of Biblical truths and encouragement. The premise is how two families deal with death. One believers the others aethist. For a Christian this book will push you out of your comfort zone but will also be comforting if you have ever lost someone. For others it may open a whole new thought process. I highly recommend the book to everyone. those presently suffering from losing someone and for just the average person. No one will remain untouched after reading it. I have to point out that it will take awhile to internally digest the information before you can share much about it if even then. One of those books that touches the soul that no one else could ever understand. Sort of like you can present information on salvation to another but unless they internalize it they could never know what you mean. This book walks that line.
The novel is written by Bryan Davis, a homeschooling parent and Christian writer who wrote the Dragons In The Midst series. This is unlike anything he has written before. The book is slated to be released in September. Bryan approached this book with love and compasssion for those who are hurting and lost. He has been used as an extension of God in the writing of this book. You will not walk away untouched. All proceeds from this book will be donated to charity.

Been Awhile

I has been quite awhile since I have blogged. Life has gotten in the way and took some priority. Zoe spent some time at the children's hospital to see what was really going on and if this episodes I saw were indeed seizures related to her Epilepsy or not. Nothing official was caught on the tape even over two days. The two episodes I marked on the video ended up being nothing. So glad about that. Although it has not been a year since her Grand Mal we weaned her off the medicine as the behavior of whining and temper tantrums was more than I could bear and my dear husband could not deal with it. He was ready to start swinging but I would not allow it as I knew this was not something she could control. Her failure to respond appropriately was hindered by the Keppra. I knew it in my heart as she had been a helper with a big heart prior to the onset of seizures and as we upped her doses to control them her personality changed along with it. She is almost back to her old self only when she is really tired now do we see some of the exhibitions she had daily while on the meds. This I can handle.
Louisiana is another world. It is beyond hot. Reaches over 100 daily and the humdity is unreal. It makes me feel like a warm Korean mink blanket is wrapped around me as I head out the door. We stay in the house a lot as red ants are worse here than in Georgia. I walked outside for 5 minutes yesterday to talk with the Direct TV guy and got bit 5 times. Somehow they had crawled up my body unnoticed and did not like me very well as they went on the attack.
I have started working an at home editing/writing type job. The extra money always helps and it is nice that I can start and stop at any point in my day as the kids need me.
Zoe and Kendra start school this week so the house will probably be very quiet without them daily. this will allow me some one on one time with my baby girl. I wonder how she will handle being away from Zoe. She really never has been. She already is asking when she can go to her school too. Do not grow up so fast baby girl you are only 2!
It has been a busy summer with spending several weeks in WV and a few days in Indiana. We brought Jamar, Kendra's cousin down with us for a month. Then she went with her Dad to meet a few siblings Imani and TJ that she had never met. She brought her big brother Blake down to spend the rest of the summer with her. That is my boy. He set her straight while he was here and she lost some of that disrepect she seemed to exhibit at times. He is such a good kid. I remember him at 2 and so little, now he is 17 and 6'3'' and plays football. My how they grow. He plans on going to LSU next year so he will have a second home here whenever he needs one.
I started working an editiorial writing job and love the extra money coming in.....it helps for all the little extras. Have to run now. Hopefully next time won't be so long.

B usy with Life

I have not blogged in quite awhile. for many reasons. Zoe had a bad bout of seizures one week in particular, we started packing as it looked as if we would never get orders and we were within 3 weeks of our DLOS date and I had NO Hopes of the Army moving us then. We testified in a session against our landlord as to illegal/unethical practices and still are concerned of rebuttal from those actions.............but we chose to as to put forth effort for no one to have to deal with that again. several other families were also at this session so we were not the only ones!!!!!!!!!
Our newly adopted puppy from the shelter seems to have a gift for diagnosing Zoe's seizures and has begun classes to a certification as a service animal. Facebook takes up a bit of my time. It is a bit more lighthearted and there are times I need that vs thinking deeply over what is happening in our lives. Zoe will be admitted for intensive monitoring this month. a 48 hour stay in bed........only up to go potty. Not sure at all how they expect to keep an active 4 yr old in bed!!!!!!!!!!!! I am expected to stay with her as I see seizures I have to tag her filming. but they will not provide meals so hubby will have to drive and deliver meals...........Medicines have been upped recently and mood swings seem to have calmed down some with this but a bad seizure happened that same night. ughhhhhhhhhh. Very tiring.
Now, orders have finally arrived and although only a few weeks out I can stop packing as the Army was able to get us on the schedule. YIPPEE. Now we have to see when we get housing! Hopefully it will be quick as the stable schedule for Zoe seems to help big time.
Kendra's Daddy and her family (well some, most but not all) came to visit for about a week. Michael chose to sign the adoption papers to allow John to adopt Kendra. PHEW. Did not ever expect that to happen but he did so willingly and although it was far from easy for him it will benefit Ken in the long run. so things are good but very busy.....................

Armor

Words hurt...............
The Bible tells us we need to watch our tongue.
All too recently I found out that a friend of mine from long ago was asked to talk to the Grand Jury about a situation he found himself in. Suspicion kinda remains as the situation is not cleared up but the public believes it was a framing. Although he can go on with his life the cloud hovers for now. Lies. truth, accusations. Leaves things cloudy and muddled. It seems the Christian is not totally safe but is often the target of the Devil as we try to live above the norm. and in turn our words and actions are often scrutinized and twisted if not up to Par of others. Yes we all have moments where we fail and often fall short of being examples but this road is a journey and the goal is what we need to strive for. Jealousy can cause others to attack also. I was the victim of that many years ago and just now have had some healing of that. A friendship with this same family was attacked by another and doubt was shed on me. No one knew what to believe but I knew the accusation was false and knew that I was straight with God so could move on. The pain was there still and a restored friendship has made a huge difference. I shed tears over the relief of that just today. The armor of God needs to be in place more now than ever, I feel. Words do hurt, accusations are painful. Friendships are important and should be held on to if at all possible.

follow up......although this remains unsolved....................my friends do not appear to be in the spotlight and have been cleared totally. Their life has gone on and although this remains a dark spot and may always until solved it seems to be able to put in the back of their mind for awhile.

it's time

time is a funny thing. We have spent five years here. We moved here newly pregnant with Zoe and now she is 4!. Our time here is up and we will be on to a new military assignment faster than I can get myself geared for it totally. Oh, now mind you I want to go but sometimes goodbyes are rough.

It is easy when events, calendars, and clocks dictate and guide our actions for our outer life and our daily pursuits; but what about our inner world. What about our internal thoughts which only we know. The thoughts which live in the depth of our being. The inner feelings sometimes are hard to get a hold of.

Our thoughts lead the way in our lives, too. Our thoughts are probably stronger than any time schedule we could have set for ourselves, and most of the time we are completely unaware of the havoc he inner thoughts can cause in the rest of our life.

As one lives life, it becomes very abundantly clear that there are beginnings and endings...over and over and over again. Beginnings can be a little scary to some as they navigate the unchartered territory; and to others, beginnings can be a very exciting time as infinite possibilities appear to them.

As for endings, well, what can I say? Endings means change, and once again, some welcome change and some resist change. One may think they are in control of their lives and try to maintain this power, fruitlessly. Some let the current gently guide them and accept what comes along. Many times death is one of those times in life that our inner thoughts may come forth. When death is upon us, we can see clearly how we really feel about life being organic and ever changing. Are we the ones who accepts and moves forward or are we the ones who get stuck and can't let go?

My constant theme for the last ten years is I roll with the punches. I know God is in control and I do my best to follow him. Having a Christian husband who also desires a walk with the Lord is beneficial and makes it easier. I can attest a marriage where we have the same path and are equally yoked makes it easier to handle the stresses life throws at you. For those of you who are not married this is very important for your happiness. For those of you who are, I only hope you benefit from this yourselves.

The last ten years have brought many changes to my life.................a husband, 2 more kids, 2 dogs, living with John's parents, purchasing a home in WV, moving to GA, three deployments, 5 surgeries, totaling a vehicle, receiving a diagnosis of epilepsy for one child, learning I will have to have iron transfusions for the rest of my life, amongst several other daily life type things..........
A lot of stuff to happen in any marriage, but you know what? God was faithful as we were to him and each other. Our marriage ended up being stronger for it all. Although goodbyes are hard, I look forward to the opportunities ahead and look forward to what God has planned for us
it's time...........time to look ahead and press to the mark that has been set before us for life here on Earth and for our neverending futures.